Fat and Not Afraid

Last week's running mostly didn't happen except for the Sunday run though I did fit in two 5km walks; however, it didn't feel the same. So yesterday I didn't download and play my usual podcast (which would've been week six I believe) and instead laced up my shoes and threw on Bif Naked's Essentially Naked album. After a week 'off' I wanted to see what I could do so after a one song warm up I started jogging and didn't stop for a long time. How long? 2km! I couldn't freakin' believe it.

After a short break I jogged some more, until my thighs were plenty mad at me, then walked the rest of the way home. All told I did 5km mostly at a jog, which is my furthest Sunday yet, and on Wednesday I'm looking forward to whatever my podcast tries to throw at me. I think I psyched myself out last weekend when I heard on the podcast that by Friday I'd be expected to do a 20 minute run; first day was 3, five minute runs  (which I did no problem), then 2 eight minutes, then twenty in one stretch. 20 minutes? That's far, and I'll admit I was intimidated, which is in part why running didn't happen. Throw in that Ryan's on a new schedule and finding the right time to go was difficult. This week? This week I'm going to go for it and kick it's ass.

Today I've got a post up at Fierce Fatties about an experience I had last weekend while on the bus. Check it out and tell me what I should've done!

It's been nearly a year since I've had a good night's sleep. The best I've been able to muster is about six hours, which does feel good, but it's not as great as nine. This time last year I was easing into 'really pregnant' territory, having trouble with my left leg being numb or painful on the outside thanks to Kat sitting on a nerve, and no longer walking from the bus stop to work every morning. My body was rapidly changing in every way possible but having that be my second pregnancy, it was easier for me to just go with it.

After Kat was born and I lost some pretty dramatic weight, I struggled with how my body looked; I didn't look like ME anymore. Eight months in and I'm ok finally. A very supportive hubby and a new bra worked wonders! So did running. I LOVE to run. I'll be going out again shortly, actually, into the sunshine and birdsong that accompanies my nifty new shoes crunching in the gravel by the side of the road.

Running, however, has brought out a small demon who occasionally sits on my shoulder and whispers nasty, fat-hating shit in my ear. I started to run because I needed some time outside just for me and my thoughts, but the other day from nowhere I thought "You'd better keep running or you'll get fat again." The hell? Two things; I don't see myself as 'thin' by any stretch of the word, but no longer do I fit into the fat catagory. I can buy just about anything 'off the rack' at a regular store, even pretty bras! Technically my BMI is in the overweight catagory, but we all know BMI is bullshit. Basically, I'm more average sized than ever, a very small, small-fat or inbetweenie person.

Second, I don't care if I 'get fat' again. My body is not a static thing; it's always going to be changing and weight IS going to be part of that. I accept that. So little demon, fly away home. You're not welcome here. You're just a by-product of the fucked up world we live in that tries to push unrealistic expectations on people to try and get them to waste their time and energy conforming instead of Getting Shit Done. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Last Monday I had my follow up appointment with my family doctor, Dr N, about my gallbladder and hopefully getting it removed soon. He explained that I might be looking at a several month wait, but I'm fine with that and it's what I was expecting. I can't afford to have a gallbladder attack incapacitate me while I'm alone with the kids, so it's got to come out, the sooner the better.

What I wasn't expecting was his explanation of why I've suddenly developed gallstones-he said that it's because of the four Fs-I'm female, fertile, forty and fat. Um, what? Female and fertile, sure but I'm not even thirty yet, and at the lowest weight I've been in over seven years. Technically yes, according to BMI I am fat, but we know that's a bullshit measurement for health. He didn't ask me about my diet or exercise habits in the last years, just assuming that I had been eating poorly and at too long of intervals.

According to what I've read (and mind you, obviously I'm not a doctor) it's a lot more likely that me being female, fertile and recently both had a baby and a huge weight loss that have more to do with the gallstone development than my weight (I've always been fat), or my age. My doctor is great, the best I've ever had infact, but he's definitely accepted some of the fat bias that's so rampant in the industry. I'm a quadruple threat alright, but not in the way HE thinks.  :P