Fat and Not Afraid

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Control Freak No More

November 1, 2013

Earlier this week I found myself saying things I never thought I'd say. We've been in the middle of this move, living at my in-laws since the middle of September, Ryan's down in Kitchener and struggling with his new store and all the baggage that came with it, there are questions of when and how our things are coming from Victoria, and all the fuss and bother of every day living. Also, I started a new job so that's in there too; new routines for everyone!

Every night Ryan and I have a long conversation about our day while he's driving home from work. He drives and listens while I wrangle the kids or start or continue to make dinner or do a million other little every day things he's missing out on and I wish he was here to help me with. He drives and vents to me about his day, the things that were incredibly frustrating or the things that went well, despite being short staffed and the store being a mess. During one of these long rambling conversations, when he was stressing out over his new job, I told him "Listen. Just take it one day at a time. If you can't do that, take it one hour at a time. There's very little you're in control of, so just deal with what you can and leave the rest. You can't make people come in and buy things or pay their bills or even hire anyone to help you out right now, so just do your best and it'll work out eventually."

 Wait, what?

This is the last thing in my life I ever expected myself to say. I mean, I've said "Do what you can with what you have, when you have it" but I don't think I've been living it until now. It's one thing to say it, but it's another thing to really mean it. In the past I've described myself as a bit of a control freak; I want to know when things are going to happen, who's doing what, taking charge, making decisions. But lately I realized, when all your choices are crap, you just do the best you can. I can throw out all the resumes in the world, but I can't make someone hire me. Nothing but time passing will bring me and Ryan together so there's no point wailing and pouting about being apart. Hell, even with it pouring rain Hallowe'en night was met with a bit of a shrug and grabbing the umbrellas. No point complaining as there's nothing you can do about the weather. Once upon a time I might have complained mightily about sloshing through the streets, or whined about how long job hunting takes, but not any more. This is just a moment I'm living and passing through, and I've got to deal with what I've got infront of me. The past is behind and can't be changed. The future is, as always, uncertain.

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