Out of mental spoons. Out of fucks to give. That's me right now. All of my energy is currently focused on getting through the day by day of my life. It's the uncertainty of what might come next that's bothering me the most, making me waver between frustration and hoplessness with a terrible blankness inbetween. All I want to do is sleep. Or scream. Or cry. I do none of these things. Instead I gave an interview to my local online paper about what it's like to be working and living on minimum wage with two kids and being homeless at my inlaws. (Stay out of the comments unless you've got a lot of sanity watchers points). There are pieces missing, about how I was out west for two years and had a good job and lost it, but that past doesn't change my present, how far we've fallen and how quickly it happened.
The current hopelessness troubles me, the knowing that fixing this problem is out of our hands unless we earn more money or spend the next year or two or five saving for a house. Ryan recently got a new job, one he doesn't hate and that I hope will treat him well, but it's still just part-time. He's been promised full time in the future, but we've heard that before. Being hopeless, not being able to help myself, is literally depressing me. I can't DO anything but keep putting one foot infront of the other and get through the day and apply for jobs.
Ryan suggested last night on our way home from my mom's that we use our return tickets for a little trip for ourselves, go back to the Island and visit Tigh Na Mara spa for our wedding anniversary in June since we didn't make it last year. I admit I felt a leap of excitment, but I quickly squashed it. Hope it a firefly I can't afford because I'm so damn tired of being let down and disappointed, and we have so many other things we should spend our money on instead, like getting our things out of storage or saving up to either get a house or move. Instead of jumping in with ideas or planning, like Jen of last year would have done, I said "If you want us to do it, it's up to you to plan it. I just don't have it in me to hope something that wonderful could happen."