Fat and Not Afraid

Respect and love are for EVERY body.

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This Time Is Different

February 19, 2016

So a lot’s been happening behind the scenes here in Canada-land. Ryan’s been working out of town four hours away since mid-November; this isn’t new for me, as I’ve been on my own with the kids before. It’s different this time though. Every instance of us being apart before has seen me off work and us living nice and close to wherever I need to go.

Now we’re apart again and it’s the hardest. We live across town from both the daycare where Kat goes and the school where Gabe goes, and fairly far from my job as well. I couldn’t bear the thought of taking the kids away from their familiar surroundings, not when they were doing so well, and hey, with Ryan’s help shipping them across town every morning it wasn’t too hard. Now I have no car and do it every day by bus. It’s an hour and a half round tip, and then I either go to work for 8 hours or I head home for two, then leave to work until 9 at night. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted, and so are they and everyone I’ve been leaning on to help with all the nights again. I’ve asked friends, friends of friends, cousins and of course the grandparents every single week      

"Hey, are you available X night(s) to watch the kids for a few hours? I know you already worked all day/had class/did placement and they’re not your kids, but it’d really help me out!" My friend Brian is currently asleep on my couch, having worked all day and then picked my kids up after dinner from my parent's, brought them home, dealt with bedtime for Kat with no blankie and helped Gabe finish his homework.

Thankfully my manager at work is flexible enough that I don’t have to worry about covering mornings right now; nothing earlier than 10am, (as I need time from 20 after 8 to 9:30 to drop the kids off via bus) but at the same time, all the nights are a problem. See above. I may have resolved this but I’m not sure yet. We had a sit down two Fridays ago about it when the new schedule came out and it was literally all late nights but a trio over 3 three weeks, and damn, I thought I was going to lose my mind. They need manager coverage at certain times, I get that, but dammit there are 3 of us. I shouldn’t have to do all the late shifts myself. That’s what I get for being low priority AND unavailable before 10 am. Yes, having kids to take care of is MY problem, and they’re MY priority, but if I hear one person complain about not getting to sleep in I’m going to laugh in their face. Choosing to have kids isn’t the same as choosing to have two jobs or choosing to go out to the bar at night. It’s not the same as choosing to spend the night at your boyfriend’s and come to work unshowered and in the same clothes as the day before. It’s not the same as having a dog you love; you can choose to not have those things. You can choose to stay home or quit a job or kennel your dog during the day with some food and water. I can’t choose not to have my kids. I have to muddle through as best I can, and the best I can isn’t good enough any more. After 3 months of it I’m tired. Bone deep, out of fucks, tired.

So that’s fun. What’s also ‘fun’ is that I found a lump in my neck two months ago and had an ultrasound to get it checked out, and then a biopsy, and Wednesday I finally got to sit down with an endocrinologist and take a look at what the results were. They’re somewhat inconclusive. I have a follicle of undetermined significance aka FLUS aka a giant fucking lump on the right side of my thyroid and they don’t know what it is, exactly, but it’s growing. It grew from 4.1mm in December’s ultrasound to 4.5mm at February’s biopsy.  I could get another biopsy done, which in 50% of cases shows nothing at all, and in 50% of cases shows cancer, or I can just get the thing sliced out and have them take a really good look at it and go on thyroid meds for the rest of my life. I’m more ok with option B than wasting time on another biopsy so I’m waiting now for an appointment with a local surgeon to see if we can make that happen. Do I have cancer? I don't know. It's not looking great though.

After my appointment I called Ryan in Sudbury (so far he hasn’t been able to come to a single one with me) to tell him the sort-of news. I was feeling down about how long I’m going to have to wait just to hear from the surgeon’s office (probably a week) to get an appointment (probably a month after that), and what about if this or that, and maybe Sudbury has better doctors? How often would we have to drive to and from the Soo? It was depressing and I was upset. Tea and chocolate were on the menu for lunch, that’s for sure.

Did I mention we’re moving to Sudbury in April? That’s happening too. Ryan’s finally been offered a full manager position of a really successful store (now that they’ve fired all the thieves and liars) and the money is too good pass up. Maybe I can finally start paying off my student loans! Ryan’s house hunting and I’m transferring stores, Gabe will go to a new school or stay here until the end of this school year (we haven’t figured that part out yet and he’ll have a chance to decide) and Kat will come with us, which also means a new daycare, after school care and all the rest of it. Any wonder I’ve felt run down and also like exploding lately?

I’m nervous, dancing along the edge of scared. I’m lonely and tired and impatient and not as loving towards the kids as I’d like to be. I miss my husband. Thankfully I have the love and support of a lot of people, near and far, to carry me through yet another bump in the road.

So there it is. Update from Canada-land.

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