Fat and Not Afraid

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Having a 'bad fat' day

August 16, 2009

With no pun intended at all, I've been grappling with some extra weight and subsequent issues, thanks to sitting on my butt since April.   I finished school, unsucessfully looked for a job and spent a LOT of time with Gabe.  We go for daily walks but nothing strenuous, play in the garden by weeding and digging as needed but really, I've been a bump on a lump.  And now it's showing and freaking me out a little.  As someone who is very much mentally into FA/HAES, I shouldn't let this bother me, but it DOES.  On an emotional level, I'm annoyed and a bit embarassed by the probably 5lbs (maybe 10? I don't know, I don't own a scale) that's crept on around my waist, that certain pants dont' fit quite right, nor does a certain dress I wanted to wear to a friend's wedding yesterday.  In my mind I've been making plans to enjoy the pool at Lakehead this fall as much as possible, learn to swim laps and build my stamina, but that doesn't excuse the laziness now.

But seriously, other than move around simply for moving around's sake, in my living room, doing a yoga/cardio DVD with Gabe hanging off me, what else can I do?  I already do all the gardening, weeding, raking, hoeing, yardwork, most of the laundry, all the dishes, the sweeping and vaccuming, the bathroom and so on.  It's not every day, all day, but that's what I do.  So have I actually been lazy, or am I just being hard on myself?  I eat when I'm hungry and yes, I snack some, but it's not like I've been sitting on my butt eating doughnuts all day doing NOTHING.  We dont' keep 'junk food' in the house, except on gaming nights and that all gets shared.  Perhaps I'm mortified I've become a 'bad fattie', as the term is going around the Fatosphere lately, that I'm an example of a fat person who 'deserves' it somehow, that if someone makes a comment about weight gain, it's ok because hey, I HAVE put on weight and they SHOULD say something, because omg!yersofatnow!!!11!  Like I didn't notice.  *sigh* 

Why do I even feel the need to defend myself? Noone's said anything (yet! a small voice in my head pipes up. Noone's said anything YET.  Just wait until you see your sister tomorrow, or your mom next week....) and why should they?  DH has always loved the way I look, though I know he wishes I was more active.  What can I say? At my heart, I'm an energy-conserving creature, always have been.  Why run when you can walk?  Why DO that to yourself?  I joke that I'd like a basset hound for a pet because they're just like me; when they want to go for a walk, they'll go.  If they dont' feel up to it right at that second they're not going to drag you around the block at high speeds, they'll mosey.  I like to mosey.  I never liked long distance running, only sprints and baseball, back in grade school, and in highschool I didn't do sports, though I would've liked to kept up baseball.  I got into yoga and bellydance for a while but now do neither.  Swimming and aquabics is something I enjoy a lot but my swimming buddy moved and has a busy family life now; without her it's a long bus ride across town to get there and back and then there's no one to chat with during or after the workout. 

I think I just do better in group/team situations for sports/activity/working out.  The motivation given by having others nearby doing the same thing(s), to go somewhere and meet up with friends, that's valuable and gets me wherever I'm supposed to go.  Being off school for 5 months now (WOW! 5 months? Seriously? Holy crap.) I haven't had that at ALL so here I am, a few pounds heavier and not liking it one bit.

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