Fat and Not Afraid

Respect and love are for EVERY body.

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I don't want to get fatter

December 18, 2009

For someone who's into fat acceptance, that sounds a lot like heresy, contradiction and just plain selfish.  It is selfish, however; I can't afford new clothes so getting fatter means the clothes I have wont fit.  Some of my jeans are getting a little snug and the hubby and I have been talking about me starting to work out and stuff at home with his help.  We did an hour of DDR last night and it was a lot of fun for both of us. 

I don't want to get any fatter; I'm barely fat as it is, (I'm an inbetweenie) and I don't want to get the ridicule, looks, friendly or not so friendly advice on how to lose weight from family (my friends are too awesome to give a damn about my weight).  Hubby doesn't really care one way or the other, but deep down I'm afraid he does.  If I put on 30lbs, would he still love me? Want to make love to me? I don't know.  I would like to think he would, but who knows.   I know he'd like it if I was more active.   It's the fear of ridicule, the words, that makes me think 'oh man, I've got to lose some weight!"  In a lot of the photos I've seen of myself lately my weak chin and flabby neck have been REALLY bugging me, but then again, I haven't been wearing the best of shirts.  I should not wear high-necked shirts of any kind but own several turtlenecks and a couple short sleeved but kinda collared shirts.

 During DDR last night there was a bit more flab than I would have liked moving around while I stepped on the mat.  It doesn't bother me when I bellydance because, well, you need to have a belly to bellydance!  When you shimmy, things are SUPPOSED to move.  The dancers are supposed to be (in my head, anyway) lush and voluptous.  It's OK to be my body size and shape in other cultures, but not the one I'm living in.  The dissonance between the two kinds of thinking sometimes paralyzes me. 

On one hand, I'm all about fat acceptance, health at every size, feminism.  It's all tied together into a big gorgeous bow of bodily autonomy and I love it.  On that side I can say "I like me just the way I am and if other people don't they're missing out."  On the other hand there are the internalized messages that oh noes! I've put on a few pounds, have an extra chin, Christmas is coming with all the yummy food! (but don't over do it there, Jen, or you'll put on MORE weight and that'd just be bad), thinner would be sexier, more toned would be sexier, I should be sexier period.  Sometimes hubby looks at me and I feel like 'motherfucking Christmas', to borrow a phrase from NudeMuse.  Desired, sexy, lusted after.  It's fabulous.  And then there are sometimes when I look at me and I go "omg I look like THAT?!  Argh!"  It's not to the point where I don't want to be seen naked by my hubby, but some days I'm almost there.  Other days are better. 

Posting should be a lot more regular now that I'm done placement.  Yay!

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