Fat and Not Afraid

Respect and love are for EVERY body.

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It's the Flub

July 22, 2012

When I woke up this morning my stomach was hard, really hard, like I was carrying a stone instead of a human in my womb. Not being a midwife or ob/gyn, I can only assume that Kat was turned in such a way that her back was very firmly pressed up against me, or less great, a knee. Poking and feeling about (something I never used to do before being pregnant!), I realized that the only part of my stomach NOT hard and stretched out was a bit way down by my c-section scar. It's still fairly soft, and I can almost feel Kat's head. Amazing. Placing my fingertips down there I could still feel the scar when I realized that this new body of mine, at least for now, doesn't have the overhang, the flub, that it's had since Gabe was born.

Having a c-section cuts through the muscles of your lower abdomen and generally without a lot of work they never recover. For nearly 6 years I've had this strange, half-way numb overhang of ruined flesh just above my bikini line. At first it really bothered me but eventually I learned to ignore it. Then I got into fat acceptance and learned to accept it as a part of me, a visible reminder of the struggle to bring Gabe into the world, and the patience and compassion of Ryan and my doula Katie. Well, right now, it's gone. I just look like a pregnant lady. You'd never know I'd had a c-section and again I'm wondering what kind of body I'll be left with this time, what changes will occur, after Kat is born. Bigger boobs are almost a guarantee, though at a DDD (which my sister teases stands for dun Dun DUN!) I don't really want them to get bigger! More/deeper stretchmarks? Sure, but I'm a tiger who's earned her stripes. I'll just have to wait and see, but it wont be long now. Only four and a half weeks to go as of this week, if that, and 3 of those are at work still.

I hope everyone is having a restful weekend; I'll have an update on the Obesity! Crisis! in the Pagan community on Tuesday.

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