Fat and Not Afraid

Respect and love are for EVERY body.

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"Jen! You've lost weight!"

November 13, 2009

It's a compliment, of course.  I'm home from teacher's college and hanging out with some friends last night for a D&D session and an old, very good friend of mine sees me standing in the doorframe, arms up, kinda hangin' there.  I get a once-over and then "Jen! You've lost weight!"  *happy smiles* 

Me: I have? Um, haven't noticed.  If I have it's because I haven't been eating right.  I had a couple of convos with my mom while I was gone that began with me telling her I had a sandwhich for dinner that resulted in her lecturing me on eating healthy.  Did I mention she's freaked I'm going to get H1N1?  Yeah."

I'm trying not to pay any attention to my weight.  I'm trying to just not care anymore.  I haven't owned a scale since I moved out of my parents' place 6 years ago.  When I visit, I can finally resist the temptation to stand on theirs.  Same with at my sister's.  Thankfully my inlaws don't own one.  Being away at school, I only bought food I like and that I wanted to eat; garlic stuffed olives, asiago cheese, breton crackers with basil and olive oil, bagels galore, cream cheese (hand made at the bakery! SO GOOD), fresh deli meat and I made my own bread in the breadmaker.  I'd wander over to the gas station/Robin's Doughnuts every week and grab a bag of chips to munch on while watching Grey's Anatomy and doing homework.  It'd take me a few days to get through the bag and then I'd go get another one.  A sale? Two at a time.  NOM.  Chips and I are very good friends. 

After Hallowe'en, I did a bit of an experiment; my landlord gave me his leftover Hallowe'en candy which I piled on my desk.  Kate Harding made a great post back in August of 2007 I remember well about "Devouring the World" http://kateharding.net/2007/08/03/devouring-the-world/ that I decided to try.  The chocolate bars sat on my desk for a few days before I decided I wanted one.  I had one.  It was an O'Henry! and it was pretty good.  You can't really go wrong with chocolate, peanuts, and caramel.  Did I have six more? No.  I had one more and was happy.  A few years ago I'd probably have eaten six more but I'm definitely NOT the me I was a few years ago, hell no and not even close.  My landlord gave me some pumpkin tarts he made out of our jack-o-lanterns and I put them in the fridge and forgot about them completely until he asked for the plate back.  I ate the pie he brought me though, and it was ok.  Would've been better if it wasn't mushy on the bottom and had dream-whip.  

When left to my own devices, without any pressure from media or family to look a certain way or eat a certain way, I take better care of myself.  I practise intuitive eating and remember that yeah, I'm healthy at my size. I've got no complaints and my body does what I ask it too when I need it too.  Laying down on hard surfaces like the gym floor or a concrete bench messes up my back right quick, but that's thanks to falling off a horse and then later picking up a heavy box wrong, not thanks to my fat.  Cuddling my husband earlier today I made mention somehow of my softness and he said "I love your softness."  I love him for that (among a lot of other things).  

So yes, I might've lost a little weight while away at school; maybe I wasn't eating right, or enough, or maybe I was and my body's set point is lower than I realized.  I've been 10lbs or so heavier since the small-man was born.  Maybe I'm slowly going back there without any real effort on my part.  Maybe its' none of the above.  Maybe it's all of the above.  But really? I don't care. 

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