Fat and Not Afraid

Respect and love are for EVERY body.

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Looking Pregnant

April 11, 2012

Trigger warning for weight-talk

It's no longer a question of "fat or pregnant?" It's pregnant. Holy Mother my stomach feels and looks so big. Gabe sat in the back a lot of the time, and apparently the placenta was in the front, so I never really *looked* all that pregnant last time, and I sure as heck didn't feel this much activity. Now? Now I look like I swallowed a soccer ball and I'm only 21 weeks. It's a bit unnerving. I had a moment of "Aaah! What the hell? When did THIS happen?! How big am I going to GET?!" and thankfully Ryan didn't tease, he hugged me and told me he still thinks I'm pretty. He *wants* to be a tease but my self-confidence isn't quite there and I don't think I could take it-he knows that and is compassionate.

Oddly enough, my co-worker again pointed out that I look like I'm losing weight, and I may be, as a couple of my rings fit again that haven't in a while and pants are getting saggy in the thighs. I snack a lot but I don't eat like I used too, and I think the walk from the bus-stop uphill 3-4 mornings a week is taking a toll I didn't expect. With Gabe I put on about 35lbs and kept ten-fifteen extra for a long time. This time around I'm losing weight and between that and the soccer ball stomach, I feel completely out of control of myself, feelings I Do Not Like. My weight has been stable for a long time, years and years, right around the 200lb mark. My size has been stable. And now everything is changing and I'm getting in my way trying to tie my shoes, when I sleep, when Ry and I are trying to be close, my pants fit funny, and it's frustrating. Argh. 

At least I'm over the halfway mark now, and I suspect Raisin may be a tad early. After delivery we'll see what my body does and until then I just have to learn to deal with it as best I can. Yoga will help build strength and stamina, and a body pillow or something similar at night will support my hips so they don't hurt when I wake up. There's nothing at all I can or would want to do about the incredibly expanding belly, so I'll just make sure I'm taking care of myself. Easier said than done.

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