Fat and Not Afraid

Respect and love are for EVERY body.

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Mirrors and Scales

September 4, 2012

Trigger warning for weight, weight-loss talk

It's been two weeks since Katherine was born. We're both doing awesome; she's gaining weight and is already back at her birth weight of 9.5lbs and I've got energy similar to that pre-pregnancy. I get tired easily and need a lot of naps (which I take!) and am not allowed to vaccum or lift anything heavier than Kat, but compared to my recovery after Gabe's birth 6 years ago this is a DREAM. I can't begin to explain the difference. No pain at night getting up for feedings, or during feedings. No foggy brain from lack of sleep (well, not too often anyway), no depression! I'm very much at peace with how things went and how things are going, which I think is helping my mental state a LOT. Every time I lay down I think to myself "This is rest. I am grateful to be here. I am thankful to be here." And I AM, so very very much. Unlike with Gabe I'm bonded to Katherine already; I hug her and snuggle and kiss her all the time, and have told her I love her. This took me a very long time to do with Gabe, a fact I still struggle with and feel guilty about. It's all just so different, and BETTER.

Some other things are different, of course but not necessarily better; my boobs are huge. I was a DDD before but now I imagine I've hit an E. As a friend who also recently had a baby stated via Facebook "Motherhood is amazing; poos, coos and porn star boobs!" She's got that right. Instead of a huge protruding stomach, it's flat, and the pouch of extra skin and damaged muscle is back. My stomach has been round, even when not pregnant, for as long as I can remember, but now it's f-l-a-t. At the height of my pregnancy I barely topped the scale at 195. Friday night at a friend's I weighed in at 180lbs. I was 200lbs before I got pregnant. The weight-loss is disconcerting and unintentional. My pants fit oddly, but at least they fit again though a bit loosely. Summer is coming to a close and it's good to be getting into pants as needed and know I *can* get into them. When I'm feeling a little more confident, and rested, I'll post up a before/after pic of this new body of mine. 

Being on a strict every-2-hours-feed-the-baby schedule, and recovering from major surgery, I find myself continuing to avoid certain foods; I pretty much abandoned coffee and most snack foods in the last 2 months of my pregnancy and I don't really miss them (except for the coffee. Sometimes I just need it!) A friend offered to buy me chips at the store Friday night after our full moon ritual and I thought about it and said "No thanks." I didn't want them. I gave Ryan the rest of my Twix in his lunch Saturday. I didn't want it. There's been a doughnut hanging around here for a few days because I just don't want it. What I eat is what Kat's going to eat too, plus rebuild my body, so I'm sticking to foods that have the best value for both of us. I forsee this being a long-term change as my sweet and savoury tooth seems to have taken a permanent vacation. How this will continue to affect my shape remains to be seen, especially with how badly I want to get back outside walking on a daily basis thanks to the numbness in my leg being gone, and y'know, not being pregnant!

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