As the Wheel turns inevitably towards the first harvest this weekend, towards fall and winter, and inevitably towards spring and summer again, as much time as I've spent understanding that the Wheel of the Year is also the Wheel of Time in a person's life, you'd think that I would have finally come to understand, to really accept, that change is the only thing I can count on. Sitting here listening to Gaia Consort's "Scythe" I realize that right now? I'll soon be entering the first harvest of my life, my own Lughnassad. This post will be a little bit of what I've done, and what I'd like to do, and how FA has helped, or how I've used it to hold me back. There may be some exercise and weight loss talk.
There are a lot of things I've done that I'm proud of, many things in my life that I'm grateful for, many many people I love and call family or friend. I have very few regrets, but the few I have are sometimes easier to dwell on than to practise mindful gratitude. There are still a few wishes left to fulfill, and a few "I wish I had..."s. I wish I had taken a year off between highschool and university to do a work abroad program, or just travel and widen my horizons. I wish I had kept up on wrestling or baseball in highschool, I wish I had kept playing the clarinet once I'd graduated. Lately, and by lately I mean the last few years, I've been really regretting not staying fit, putting on weight and having to buy new clothes, not pushing myself to be the best ME I can be.
Wanting to become fit, however, ties into a certain mindset of what I think fit should look like, as if I hadnt' been doing fat acceptance these past few years at all! Being fit, becoming fit, I'm sure will result in weight loss, at least some, and redistribution, a change in how I look, a change that will result in "Hey! You look great! You've lost weight!" type comments. Awkward. I really really don't like change, not even for such an awesome reason like being able to walk up the hill to the grocery store without puffing. If I start doing aquabics or something, I'm afraid I'll start looking different. I've been this way for so long, it's gotten comfortable and familiar. At the same time, I'd like to not puff on the way to the store or look like I'm 6 months pregnant when I'm not.
I *know* in my brain where I'm smart and logical that fat acceptance is NOT against exercise, that there are many awesome people out there who are into FA/HAES who are dancing, swimming, cycling, jogging, and fat, fit and fabulous. I want to be one of those people, but my want isn't (yet) more than my fear. In the parts of me that aren't my smart, logical brain, a very insecure part, is wondering if I DO change, what will I have to offer FA? Wont I be letting people down, being all fit and losing of weight? But wont I be letting MYSELF down if I pass on this oppertunity to become my best me? (I mean, I'm pretty awesome already, but like I said, there's room for improvement!) Wont I be letting my son down if I don't keep myself in good shape to be there for him as he grows up? As a parent I do feel like I have a responsibility to him in this, at least a little/some/in part, to be around as long as possible and not be a burden.
So that's what I'm wrestling with right now. Moving to Nanaimo is the perfect oppertunity to start over, to hit reset on my life and on me, to become ME in a way I couldn't back in the Sault, but only if I'm brave enough.