Fat and Not Afraid

Respect and love are for EVERY body.

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Walls of Mirrors

July 25, 2011

There are not enough good things I can say about our new home; my husband did a fantastic job finding us a spacious, affordable house near the bus routes, a shopping mall with grocery store, Gabe's new school (it's literally 2 houses away!)m with a beautiful view of Departure Bay, and on really clear days, Vancouver over on the mainland.  One thing that's still throwing me off, even two weeks later, is all the mirrors.  The hallway connecting the bedrooms to the livingroom and kitchen has one wall that is mostly mirrored doors for closets. You step out of the bathroom and bam! There you are. My bedroom also has two enormous mirrored doors/wall as a closet.  It's lovely to have all this space but at night or in the morning while getting changed, or trying to be intimate with my husband, damn they are a pain.

I'm sure many others can relate to this step on the FA journey; really SEEING ourselves, not just a head and shoulders shot in ID or in the bathroom mirror, or a passing glance in a window as we walk down the street. It's difficult and uncomfortable because the me I see doesn't correspond to the me in my head. I'm fatter than I thought or realized, most of my weight sitting in front of me, my belly pushing out almost as much as my boobs! I'm trying not to freak out, and that is bringing back all the old thoughts of wanting to lose weight. Thankfully I've accepted that yes, I'm a fat lady and no, that's not changing. The only thing about me that has to change is the mindset that I have to look a certain way, and that is proving hard to do, despite years of reading the fatosphere, blogging and being around some really nifty people who think I look great no matter what, and who appreciate me for far more than my body.

I'm troubled because I'm not all the way THERE yet, 100% completely happy with who I am, but again, I'm missing the point: it's the journey that's important, and when it comes to stuff like this, self acceptance and respect, changing mental paradigms and such, there is no end, only the journey. That's something else I have to accept.

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