Fat and Not Afraid

Respect and love are for EVERY body.

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Week 13: Fat or Pregnant?

February 14, 2012

Trigger warning for weight loss and diet talk

Well, it's both. When I was expecting Gabe (called Gir at the time) I hadn't heard about fat acceptance yet. I was terrified of gaining SO MUCH WEIGHT because I was already fat. I wasn't concerned that being fat would make labour more difficult or anything, but I was afraid that the extra weight would make me ugly, unlovable and that it would never come off. At my heaviest I was about 205lbs. *facepalm* I know. At the time though, that was the worst thing ever, the heaviest I had ever been and I was SO HAPPY to be 'thin' again after Gabe was born. The idea of losing all those pounds, even if most of them were baby, extra blood, placenta, etc, and getting MY BODY back, was what I was looking forward too right after meeting him. I missed my body, it's ease of movement, my ability to shave my legs, paint my toenails, wear my old clothes! After nearly 10 months of change I was ready for things to all go back the way they had been.

And then I had a c-section, was knocked on my ass by the surgery for weeks, fell into a deep depression and only climbed out through the support of my awesome hubby and running from my feelings by going back to work. My size and how I looked was pretty far from my mind, though now I had a wicked scar to worry about as well as a few stubborn extra pounds that didn't go away. They've hung around the last 5 years, brought some friends, and now, despite moving into the second trimester, I still look pretty much the same.

We went to the pool on Saturday after my non-trip to the blood lab and I slipped on my rainbow butterflies tankini. Looking in the mirror I asked Ryan "Do I look fat or pregnant?" I don't know why I asked, it just sort of slipped out. He glanced over and continued to wrestle our bags into the locker. "I don't know; both?" And that's the thing; I am both. I'm pregnant and I'm fat. Being pregnant in these days is the one time women are allowed culturally to BE fat, to gain weight. It's ok, because it's not for US, it's for the baby. We're not supposed to be sexual now, we've fulfilled our sexual role, which is evidenced by the bigger belly and boobs, which are not for men anymore, but for the baby. It's safe to be fat now, it's ok to eat whatever I want whenever I want it because hey, eating for two! Silly cravings!

Except that this thinking is not ok. Women can be fat and not be pregnant. We can eat what we want, when we want it because we're grown ups in charge of our own bodies and habits. My body is mine no matter what is happening inside it, though with a wanted pregnancy, of course I'm doing what I can to ensure I'm growing a healthy baby. That part isn't entirely up to me though-there are many other factors at play.

Gotta run to work; more tomorrow.

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